Dragon Baby

Something that has always been assumed and innate in my soul is I would have a large family. Large as in three or more kids—most likely four—and I would be some sort of a prima donna momma hen prancing around the confines of my white-picket fenced house. I actually don’t think I would be too off to say many women measure their personal success on their ability to create and raise the family we’ve all fantasized about as little girls.

I’ve unexpectedly received a lot in the past few years: a man who can’t seem to quit me, a baby toddler who can’t seem to quit breastfeeding, and now—completely out of left field and impulsive—a house in suburbia with more rooms than we formerly city-dwelling folks know what to do with. King actually has his own room here (not that he uses it much), but at least he has the option of having his own room if we can ever get him out of our bed. And we have a separate dining area we have temporarily taped away as a play room where King has tents, blocks, a tricycle with wheels he can’t quite reach yet…all the fixings and toys any boy can hope for.

Moving out of our city apartment.

We’ve come a long way, that Patrick and me, and have somehow shed our post-collegiate clutter and grime for something that mostly meets FDA child safety standards. Yes, it shouldn’t have taken almost two years to get here, but King, Patrick, and I are settling into a comfortable home and routine we can almost raise more kids in. Yep, I’ve said it out loud, MORE kids.

I can hardly believe it myself but we are coming to the point where if we want to pop out #2 (since the floodgates are opened, after all), we ought to get busy real soon. Like NOW soon because of eligibility issues with my health insurance and isn’t some two years the perfect anecdotal spacing between children? AND 2012 is the year of the Dragon according to the Chinese zodiac and having a dragon baby is the crème de la crème of all babies because of the good fortune and power dragons represent in the Asian culture. So much so it seems every corner I turn someone I know is expecting and due this year. Dragon baby fever is running rampant, I tell you.

So when my period didn’t come on time a last month, my mind was worried but my heart fluttered with a morsel of excitement at the prospect of being able to jump on the Dragon Baby bandwagon. It’s not like Patrick and I are taking careful measure to ensure we stay a family of three, but so much has been going we haven’t given much thought to whether or not now is the time to take the plunge into the world of multiple kids. Sure, our feet are already wet but does it mean now is the time to realize my big-family fantasies conjured up in grade school?

I was torn. I did and didn’t want it. I agonized for days wondering if I am truly going back there again. Back to the sore breasts, the big belly, the seesaw of hormonal imbalances… The allure of the Dragon Baby is strong and our biological urge to reproduce ever present so yes, this could be great. King is going to be so happy to have a sibling. Things will be better this time around. I know it.

Patrick advised me to wait another week before taking a test to ensure I really wasn’t getting my period but no, I’m not known for my patience. I snuck in one, two, three pregnancy tests that week and proceeded to take them all in stealth. One, two, three…and they were all negative. A wave of relief flushed over me and I was not sad there wasn’t something else brewing in my belly besides that night’s dinner. I do want another baby, I do want a Dragon Baby, but I also really don’t.

I don’t more than I do and seeing the negative pregnancy tests affirmed what I may have known all along: I don’t want another baby. At least not now. Things are going fine and King is finally getting a wee bit more independent. I enjoy just having him and I enjoy having some peace around here for a change to sort some things out in my life and gather up the pieces from the last couple of years. I want to sort, breathe, clean, organize, be me again and I am not sure a second baby will get me where I want to go and need to be right now.

This morning as I was waking up, Patrick came into our bedroom from working downstairs and made fun of how much King and I snored last night.

“Yeah, you guys were so loud I couldn’t sleep. And I looked over and King was all mushed into you and you were all mushed into him with your arms and legs intertwined. It was like you guys were marinating in each other’s sleepy gushy-ness…” he went on to say.

Gushy-ness. Hmmm, not a real word, I’m sure. But I know what you are saying, Patrick, and I like having King intertwined in my arms. I like that we snore in sync and I like that it is just King and me. You, King, and me.

For now.

2012

...and we're not in Kansas anymore!

Started off the year with a bang in Hawaii with my whole family.

Wow, I can't believe it has been SIX MONTHS since I have posted. Where did the time go??!

King is almost two now and is such a changed boy. A one-time needy feller, he has transformed into a magical man-creature who is more independent than I secretly hope him to be. There is something to be said for kids that are just fine hanging out on their own but it does sting when he no longer pauses from his busy day to give me a hug when my heart spontaneously yearns for one. *sigh*

The biggest change in our lives, however, is we just as spontaneously picked up and moved out of my beloved and fabled Los Angeles! This happened sometime over late fall and not only did we move, we moved clear across the country! Long story--what ever isn't?--and I will try to catch us up in future posts.

My backyard.

We have moved somewhere cold, somewhere completely foreign to me, somewhere I never thought I would end up, and it has been a lot harder to adjust than I could have ever imagined. Sometimes I long for the days of The Real L.A. Love Story when I was a bright-eyed mom spinning stories out of my tiny city apartment in between King's nap breaks.

The seasons keep changing and I don't know how to ever catch up. But this morning, with a cup of coffee in hand, the sun coming through our not-mini blinds, and a breath of relief from the daily grind that is Mommydom, I log into my blog because I don't want to go so fast as to lose control of what really defines the moments in life: The tiny crevices of space in between events big and small, that moment of silence between sleep and wake, when we reflect on and live in our choices in life that has taken us from here to there.

Justifying the size of my engagement ring.

We’ve got some exciting engagement news…

No, Patrick didn’t go down on one knee and profess his everlasting and unwavering love for yours truly (at least, not yet), but someone did! Dennis, whom I also refer to affectionately as my frenemy, proposed to Carly last month while we were visiting Taiwan.



You may remember blond-haired and blue-eyed Dennis as the “Golden Boy” in my family from this interview many moons ago on the trials and tribulations of undertaking the daunting task that is dating a pair of twins. We call him “Golden Boy” behind his back because he is everything Patrick is not—stable, quiet, Mr. Always Does the Right Thing at the Right Time…I mean, c’mon, who wouldn’t love this guy?!?

Well, after four years, two breakups, and lots of family drama mostly instigated by me, Dennis somehow survived and decided to jump headfirst into the deep end, finally slipping a pretty little one on my twin’s ring finger. Atop the most pristine and heavenly mountains in Taiwan, Dennis asked Carly to “be his baby forever” late one night as the stars peek-a-boo’d from the blanket of velvety night fog. *sigh*




Their engagement was and wasn’t a surprise to my family. We’ve known that something was coming for a while now but because we’ve known for so long, at one point we weren’t even sure it was coming anymore! Of course we are all thrilled for Carly and Dennis (when it was first confirmed to me he was going to propose in Taiwan, I had tears in my eyes!) but their elation can't quite mask the white elephant in the room.

“Do you feel upstaged by your sister because she and Dennis are stealing the spotlight from you?” my dad asked me sincerely after the engagement.

“Oh my gosh NO! I am so happy for them. Carly and I never compete about anything. Her win is my win,” I respond truthfully. But I knew why my dad was concerned for me since hearing the word "marriage" still gives me the hives. Because I don't know what it'll take for Patrick and me to once and for all take that leap of faith towards blissfully engaged. Because I keep telling the world marriage is a dying institution even though deep down... deep down...ugh.

Dennis asking my dad for Carly's hand in marriage on our back porch.

“Patrick and I are like a married couple anyway, and a ring won’t change much of anything for us right now,” I reassured my dad just as much as I was reassuring myself. You see, something very few people know about is that I DO have a ring. And a big one at that. Its hiding place changes from week to week but it’s still supposedly mine and when I feel all romantic and giddy, I try to wear it around the house.

When Patrick and I were planning our wedding that never was, he put down a lot of change for a very big ring for me. White gold, princess cut, a band of diamonds, and three whole carats, it is quite excessive and definitely more than a simple girl like me could ever wear. Sometimes when I look at it in its polished mahogany case, I wonder why I ever hinted to Patrick that I would want something as big as he could afford. I almost feel guilty he spent so much money on a ring I don’t even get to show off, money that could have been invested or saved as a down payment for our imminent house purchase. Sometimes I am embarrassed or even ashamed thinking about the prospect of having to wear such a rock in front of his family one day, scrambling to justify to them why on earth I ever had their dear son waste so much money on me.

Ok, I lied. We don't really live here. This was during our Asia vacation.

The worst part of it is I can’t even wear the ring right since it is almost three sizes too big for me (the ring was bought unsized). So it has been floating around in a bookcase or bathroom cabinet for going on two years now, its misfitting ways symbolizing all that went wrong and all that is broken in our relationship. There it has been sitting and collecting emotional dust, representing all that could have been and all that still has to happen for Patrick to finally say to me, “Yes, you’re it. Let's do it, girl!”

But last week, on a weekly cruise through the mall, I stumbled across a newly opened jewelry store that promised fast fixes for any jewelry or watch problem. The man behind the counter told me it would cost $50 to take my ring down to a size 5.25 and $50 on that day didn’t sound like too high a price to once and for all resize my ring. I texted Patrick to ask him what he thought and he said, “Sure, go do it.”

And so I did the very next day. I brought the ring in like a nervous high school girl in love, watching the jeweler precisely laser the band apart only to put it back together a few minutes later. I guarded the ring like a new father would his baby in the NICU, making sure every step of the way my baby was treated with utmost care. It came back to me clean, polished, and MY size. The man behind the counter slipped it onto my finger and said, “You can wear your ring now. It fits perfectly. By the way, how long have you had it?”

“Oh, um, a while…”

“That’s a shame you couldn’t wear it for so long,” he said with a twinkle in his eye. No, you don’t understand, I wish I could tell him the story. It was not mine to wear this whole time. But thank you for making it feel more like mine, and maybe I will wear it more now. But just for fun because I’m not really engaged yet.

Looking at it on my finger as I type this post that has gone on for too long, my ring doesn’t seem too big anymore. Perhaps it was wrong of me to ask Patrick to prove the magnitude of his love in carats when we first found out I was unexpectedly pregnant. But Patrick, after all we've been through, can you honestly tell me I'm not completely, utterly, MAGNIFICENTLY worth every penny you've spent?

Right??

*cricket chirps*