I know, I’m supposed to write about my career aspirations but something just feels off today. I’ve been up since 4:30 AM (maybe it’s last night's dinner of Tater Tots and chicken nuggets that aren’t sitting so well or the random and mysterious creaking sounds in our apartment) so I’m making the executive decision to switch blog topics and do a quick list of a few things in life I just have to accept won’t pull through for me this weekend *sigh*…and probably won't for you, either.
1. How to lose 10 pounds by Monday A.K.A The 48-Hour Hollywood Diet, The Master Cleanse, The Just-Don’t-Eat-Anything-For Two-Days Diet: Listen up, diet gurus. There is no magic potion or pill that can do what simple math it is to lose weight—just eat less than you do now and you will be thinner. And it ain’t all happening this weekend. So skip that bottle of Hoodia you picked up for $50 and remember the three words that will actually help round out (heh) the equation (and you won't even have to pay an extra dime for it!): Water, fiber, and sleep.
|Breakfast of Champions: Beer...It's for the breastmilk, I swear!|
2. Become an Avon representative: C’mon, we’ve all seen the commercials. The pretty housewives vamped up in power suits claiming “I get to control how much money I make” and “I sell so many cosmetics that I can actually save now” sure have my attention these days seeing as I currently still have champagne taste on a beer budget. But do you really know someone who is rolling in cash and making it rain by selling Avon cosmetics? If you do, I’d like to talk to you, like pronto.
3. Jennifer Lopez in romantic comedies: Please just save your five bucks or Netflix subscription and you’ll be doing yourself a HUGE favor. I mean, between Monster-in-Law, Maid in Manhattan, and now The Back-up Plan, when did J. Lo ever have us believing that she was actually the witty, smart, and sassy leading lady she is always so desperately trying to portray, golden highlights and all? What’s sad is that I actually liked her in a classic Horatio Alger story as Selina, a struggling Latina singer who makes it big, so why can’t she just stick to what works for her? And then there's the whole race thing I can't overlook, the ethnic-bending roles where her character is clearly not-white (and proud!) but the people that play her family are always as white as Wonder Bread—how did that happen? Add to that the god-awful script and beyond-poor casting...seriously, who’s green lighting these projects??
4. DIY hair highlights: In my long and winding history with DIY hair coloring, I have never found even an ounce of success with any product that claims to provide salon-worthy highlights that will be the envy of all stylists and socialites alike (and I am not just referring to the Sun-In days). End of story.
5. Learning a new language by next week: Yes, I’m talking about you, Rosetta Stone, you. Maybe in six months of dedicated studying or a full-culture submersion program abroad but hell if I’m whispering French sweet nothings in Patrick’s ear Sunday night.
While I'm the first to admit that I get easily hyped up about big talk and sweeping promises (Look at me, I'm with Patrick. Juuuuust kidding!), what I've learned the long and painful way (yes, watching The Back-Up Plan was nothing short of pull-my-hair-out painful last night) is if it sounds too good to be true, it ALWAYS is. I can toss out today's lotto ticket now with not a smidgen of "What if?" and can forget about that cute guy who'd said he'd give me a call sometime...four years ago. (Hi Patrick. I love you.)
So this weekend, I’m sticking to the things where success is within reach: some wine, cooking a steak dinner, taking a leisurely stroll with the babes, and good friends. Hey, I never claimed to NOT be a simple gal (gotta love the double negatives!), have I?
What’s on your list?