Friday, October 15, 2010

Allergic to Snuggling

Last night, when I finally put King to sleep, Patrick placed our baby in his little crib next to our bed. Patrick sprawled out, relieved to have some extra space to stretch his limbs, and curled up next to me.

I, relieved to not have said baby physically attached to me for the first time all day, grabbed for my laptop and starting mindlessly “researching” celebrity gossip and going on breastfeeding forums. After a few minutes, Patrick rolled away from me, somewhat hurt, and asked why I don’t cuddle with him anymore.

“Because we have a baby in bed with us,” I informed him.

“But that’s why I moved him as soon as he fell asleep. I miss you just holding me,” he confessed.

“I don’t know, Patrick. I don’t know what it is…maybe I am so exhausted from holding King all day that I don’t want to touch anyone as soon as I get a moment to myself. I think I am asexual right now—not interested in other men, women—I am just a self-replicating single-celled amoeba. Or something.

“You don’t court me anymore or make me feel special or attractive. I mean, this is how it’s supposed to be, right? After ‘marriage’ and kids? We just become more like ‘partners’ in raising King. Is there ever romance for anyone after a while?” I pondered out loud.

“We’ve just been through a lot of life changes recently. It’s not like I asked for any of this. I was just happy to be dating my girlfriend,” Patrick tried to explain. I know, Patrick, and I’m sorry for how so many things turned out. And I’m sorry that I can’t help but feel indifferent about a lot of things right now. I feel the romance is dead and I don’t know if it is just how things are supposed to be or if we could actually be happier together one day…or apart.  There just doesn’t seem to be easy answers for us.

“Patrick?” I looked at him. “I just need to know that we did everything we could to make things work out. We need to try harder with even the little things. Like just be sweeter,” I suggested before we both slipped into slumber.

This morning, I felt him kiss me on the cheek before he left for work as I was still dozed off with King wrapped tightly in my arms. When I woke, I found a text message waiting for me on my phone:

Sender: Patrick
I hope you have
a wonderful day today
baby. I love you xoxo

“Thank you, I love you too” I texted back, like sending a secret wish into the universe for inspiration on where to take things next.

Our very first picture together circa September 2008.

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