Thursday, October 7, 2010

We are not monogamous.

I took a sex class once in college. While I would love to parlay the juicy dissections of the Kama Sutra, it wasn’t quite that. Instead, our professor focused on the biological reasons why humans mate, and—big surprise—it is to be able to create as many viable offspring as possible. Duh.

In other words, we are not meant to be monogamous. If the end goal is for me to rear as many Mini Me’s as possible and ensure that they live long enough to procreate themselves, then staying with one partner for the rest of my life simply does not serve this purpose.

Let’s start with the male side to the equation. If my domestic partner (I love sounding so 21st century!) Patrick wanted to increase his chances of passing his (super sexy) genes along in future gene pools, then he best not be staying with me for long. He needs to focus on planting his seeds in as many females as possible since putting all of your eggs in one basket is WAY too risky (you hear that, Patrick?).

He got to me already, and I’ll be the first to say our offspring (King) is I-want-to-eat-him-up cute and cuddly but who knows what will come of him in the future? He is a little hefty for his age so who’s to say he won’t prematurely die from diabetes or other ailments caused by being overweight? Therefore, Patrick—being the resourceful man I know he often can be—needs to go out there and hunt for other potential mates. STAT.

Preferably, those mates would be younger than me, like 14-17 young, have perkier boobs (shows that you haven’t had children before), and a more symmetrical face (better genes). Long and shiny hair are a prerequisite (means she is healthy) and she should take light steps with her dainty feet lest someone mistaken her walk for the pregnancy waddle. Juvenile, plump, and glowing in youth…Patrick, I’m sure you will spot many of these out of the crowd.

As for me, I should move on as well if I cared an ounce to make and raise more babies. Patrick had served his purpose and so generously invested his resources (Give. Me. Money. Now.) into this particular family but if he’s to watch out for his best interests, his foot—no, feet—are already out the door. Not that I can blame him since I can no longer compete with women who have never had their uterus stretched out in gross proportions by a Mini Me. Just one look at my feet, my skin, my hands…the tell-tale signs of childbirth are plastered all over me.

So onto the next guy! Maybe he’s on the shorter side and has a slight speech impediment but he is willing to invest (short-term) in giving me one or two more babies and will stick around until most child predators have been warded off. Then he too will ride off into the sunset to search for other (younger) women who are most likely to provide him viable offspring and I will wait in my castle with bated breath for the next male to take care of my family. This time around, however, I’m going with the older man on life support. With no family members.

In strict biological terms, we are pair-bonded at best but definitely not monogamous. So in the grand scheme of human history, this relatively new phenomenon of “’til death do us part” has gotten our heads and hearts spinning as we obsessively search for THE ONE instead of focusing our efforts in finding the best one, FOR NOW.

Liberated because I know how things should be, I feel empowered to make life choices based on what I want them to be. And you know what? All spiritual and emotional aspects to love and loyalty aside, I still think ‘til death is sexier than the progressively decrepit guys that’ll come knocking on my door. I’m such a diehard romantic, aren’t I?



  1. that's not fair. why do guys get the younger and prettier girls every time they switch partners and girls have to settle for the progressively decrepit? something just doesn't seem right. i'll stay in my monogamous relationship for that reason alone.

  2. It's not real romantic, but it's true! Biology isn't so much concerned with music and candles and Prince Charming. Sounds like a fun class!

  3. i guess i just wanted to explore that biology has us thinking and working a certain way. then we have what our culture and society preaches so our quest for everlasting love is this constant battle against how we were built to respond in relationships.

  4. Though that is a very progressive mindset and falls in line with a lot of biological common sense, from an evolutionary standpoint there is an advantage to being monogamous. Most hunter-gatherer tribes were communities in which the males protected females from physical threats and women guarded the homestead while rearing children.

    From a very basic perspective it is evolutionarily advantageous for men to procreate with as many women as possible (why else would their parental investment--a few minutes and a staggeringly dense amount of DNA in one ejaculation--be so minimal in comparison to ours?), but in the terms of a tribe it was mutually beneficial to be, by and large, monogamous, to ensure the best survival of the offspring.

    From what I can glean you studied anthro in college and I was just limited to a class or two in evolution, but I did have to bring up a counterpoint to your argument lest you think we are doomed to become obsolete as the men get all the luck. It's safe to guard yourself with these defenses in order to prevent getting hurt, but that mindset can also make a person cynical. And I'm far from a romantic, considering all the times I've been hurt.

    How's that for a long comment? I didn't think I'd introduce myself this way, but I stumbled on your blog a few days ago and read my way through everything you've posted to now! You have a refreshingly candid way of expression. Keep telling us your story!

  5. Very interesting.

    And it should be required reading for the Duggar family and their 27 kids.

  6. This is so interesting. I guess sexually we're not monogamous, but I would hope that the person I am with is more than a caveman, and there would be a mental and emotional connection that bonds us together. But then I realize how much the emotional is tied to the physical and I just don't know what to think. But I agree, I sometimes think humans/society, etc. force us to be with one person, when it's natural to be with multiple partners. Not saying I would be in an open relationship, but sometimes I wonder...

    Wow. How's that for an indecisive comment?!

  7. Humans are interesting creatures to say the least. While there is joy in multiple partners there is a depth that you lose out on. You can't have multiple soul mates at once.

    Monogamy has its place.

  8. You know, I think we as a human race will look for any and every justification for basically doing whatever it is we want to do. I think the whole "we're not meant to be monogamous" thing is an attempt to use biology to back-up the desire to "sew our wild oats" as it were.

    I'd like to think that as humans, we're able to keep whatever sexual urges we may or may not have under control. In terms of procreating, I think we're doing pretty darn well to have populated the earth the way we have - monogamous relationships or otherwise.

    Me, I'm a stickler for "tradition". One dude is all I need ;)

  9. Very true, but just know, the next time I have a boyfriend (as I am currently single) I will physically block him from ever viewing this post. lol.

    If I have to take a flying leap across the living room from the top of the couch, spin at a 90 degree angle and land on top and break my laptop, while in the process of blocking his eyesight with my hands as he sits and surfs the internet...than so be it. ;-)

    Great post by the way...

    City Girl to Country Girl

  10. ooh i think i took that class but would never (and i do mean never) be able to restate so well so -ahem- *many* years later!

    romance-shmonance, that photo sums it up nicely, no?

    well done, as usual, lady!

  11. considering this is probably the way it works for most animals, this is actually a very interesting post (and funny - i did laugh through it too ;)) as related to humans! lol!

    by the time king starts walking, he'll be slim and slender in no time. my now-3 yr old was 32 lbs at her 1 year check up, and roly poly too :) - after a couple of months, her rolls started to lean out into muscle and she's just not nearly as cuddly anymore. so enjoy his cuddly heftiness while you can! what's he gonna be for his first halloween??

  12. Very interesting post :) I love your's amazing!

  13. Two things come to mind... my ex husband seems to be living proof of this :) and I teach two siblings... there are four on the same grade level that all share either the same dad or mom!

  14. You made me laugh. I am sure I should have some deep thoughts about this, but I don't : ) I am glad you have love. I think your baby is so delicious too. : ) You are beautiful!

  15. marry me, artemis.

  16. How does this apply right now when overpopulation has overcome natural systems' ability to sustain us? And how modern medicine is affecting evolution on the biological level (artificially extending life or allowing procreation of weaker genes) Surely the new mating model should focus on efficiency?

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