I wonder how on earth we got from being dysfunctional strangers a year ago to where we are today, a mostly functional couple.
“Do you remember how we first met?” I, now more than 12 weeks pregnant with Patrick’s child, asked him.
“Of course I do. We met in the company kitchen and Kristine was there,” he replied as we were cuddled up in his bed together after work. The October air outside was a misty cool and it felt nice to be tangled up in Patrick’s warmth.
“And what did you think when you first saw me?” I asked in between bites of macaroni and cheese.
“Baby, do we have to get into this again?” Patrick said exasperatedly. “We’ve talked about this many times before and the story never changes.”
“But I want to hear you tell me again, since it makes me feel all romantic inside,” I embellished my giddiness.
“When I got to know you better, I really liked how we were able to talk to each other. About things,” Patrick reluctantly replied. “What did you think of me?”
“I thought you were so strange at first. Like the weirdest person I have ever met. But then, after that one time we truly hung out together, I realized you were a really loyal friend,” I told him as I placed my hand on top of his. Holding onto his strong hand gently, I wondered how on earth we got from being dysfunctional strangers a year ago to where we were today, a mostly functional couple. And now, Patrick and I were on the brink of experiencing some of the most intimate life passages together: Baby and marriage.
“Do you think we would still be together now if I weren’t pregnant?” I interrupted the quiet between us suddenly.
“I don’t know,” Patrick replied with a sigh as he looked straight ahead at his blank TV screen. “I honestly don’t know. But we’ll figure it all out in due time.” I felt an unexpected tickle in my stomach and for a moment, I thought it was our baby tumbling around. But the baby books I have been scrupulously reading at night said it was still a bit too early in the pregnancy to feel movement from my baby. So what was it?
My stomach turned again and this time, I recognized the feeling: I was viscerally disappointed and letdown Patrick wasn’t sure about us either. That even though he’d always been the one fighting harder for us in our relationship, he was just as—if not more—scared and uncertain than I was this time about our pending futures together.
But now with a baby on the way, Patrick held onto me tighter than ever, and I—super clingy and needy from those darn baby hormones—kept him extremely close, too. At a time when our lives were collapsing and transforming helplessly in front of us, oftentimes the only comfort we could find was in each other.
“Plus, are you really pregnant, Missy?” Patrick joked as he lifted up my shirt to examine my still-flat stomach. “I don’t see our baby in there, where is our baby??”
“Patrick, stop it!” I squealed as I pulled the covers over my head. “I swear, I’m growing a baby inside! I saw it on that screen thingy and heard a real heartbeat!”
“Yeah, that still sucks how I missed the first ultrasound,” Patrick said seriously.
“Well, we’ll definitely go to the next one together and you will see it. And it’s the most surreal feeling in the world.” I looked over at him and was overcome with such sadness. I’ve let Patrick down before in our past as I’ve always pushed him away when we needed each other the most. And here we are—having a baby together!—and I have to once and for all let go of my defenses and just trust Patrick. Trust him when he said we’d get through this together. Trust him when he said he’d hope to marry me one day anyway. Trust him when he promised he would step things up, be a better man, take care of me, take care of our baby.
I looked at Patrick and he looked back at me with his signature smile stretched from cheek to cheek, his face glowing with happiness and excitement. Patrick didn’t tell me this outright but I knew deep down past all the uncertainty, he was looking forward to being a father even if the timing wasn’t ours. Patrick had been extremely lonely during his two years in California away from his family and friends and I suspected having our future baby and me will provide him the togetherness and love he so desperately lacked on the west coast.
Patrick, I wished I could tell him as he looked back at me some more. I hope this moment will last forever. When you and I are both okay and everything is fine, even if it is just for this moment. Patrick, my future husband, could be so sweet and gentle when he wants to be and during these tender moments I remember why I picked him in the first place.
Buzz buzz my phone went off like a haunting alarm clock and I perked up in a terrifying panic. It was a close family friend of mine and she never called me unless someone died so I immediately picked up.
“Missy!” she exclaimed, almost out of breath. “I’m so glad you answered. I have to tell you. You are making a huge mistake.”
To be continued.
|Everyone just needs some peace and love. Isn't that what we're all searching for anyway?|