Monday, November 8, 2010

Three's A Crowd

My brave story on how I finally gave the other woman the boot. For good.

King turns 6 months old tomorrow but this post isn’t about him and his cuddly goodness. Rather, I’d like to celebrate the almost 5 months of pure marital bliss around the Frank household. No, Patrick and I are not quite married yet but we’ve come a long way since what I’d like to refer to as the Dark Ages.

The Dark Ages started around my third trimester of pregnancy. I was round, wobbly, emotional, needy, and just about the farthest thing from sexy a woman can get. Don’t have the glossy pages of a tabloid magazine fool you—there is absolutely nothing cute or sexy about being pregnant—and the final stretch of my baby making days were filled with unrecognizably plump Artemis gorging on fat-laden foods while accidentally letting one many rip in bed. Ugh. Damn you Dark Ages. At least with a baby now we always have someone to blame when the sheets get stinky and start feeling moist. And it works quite awesomely so when said baby can’t talk yet to defend himself.

But I digress. Despite all the unbearably icky and sticky parts of being pregnant, Patrick and I were doing okay until he met The Other Woman. I don’t know exactly when or how it happened but things started to change pretty quickly for us as soon as he caught wind of her tantalizing spell. Sure, I was fat but I never thought I would be in a relationship where I ended up being the old and nagging wife stuck at home while the husband pranced around town romancing the young and free.

Her name was Evony and I’ll never forget the day I walked in on them in the bedroom. It was just an ordinary day after work and when I turned on the lights in our bedroom, Patrick jumped up as I dissolved into the ground screaming, “How could you do this to me??!?” He swore again and again it was a one-time fling and because I was too pregnant to completely lose my marbles over a fleeting affair, I forgave Patrick and chose to believe he would forever be faithful to me from there on out.

Alas, history is known to repeat itself and Patrick could’t let go of Evony so quickly. He spent hours each evening enchanted by her mysterious ways and after a while, there was no fight left in me to take my man back from the other woman. After work each day, Patrick hardly bid me a hello before disappearing in his room with her, leaving me in the cold and lonely kitchen to fend for my ravenous self. There was no relationship between us during the Dark Ages. Evony had all of Patrick and as much as it bothered me, I didn’t have the energy to be the psycho-jealous-crazy girlfriend I once was so good at being. Evony, you win. For now.

The Other Woman: Can you blame him?

After we had King, however, I was certain Patrick would change his old ways and devote himself fully to taking care of his family. He promised me Evony was a thing of his past and was willing to be the faithful and wholesome man I needed him to be. Life with baby got hectic the moment the baby gracefully slid into this world and Evony had no place in Patrick’s life anymore. Or mine.

But her sickly sweet scent lingered around for a month longer until I finally gave Patrick an ultimatum: Her or me. Enough’s enough and I can’t afford to have my man sneaking around with some Evony woman while our baby relentlessly cries for milk and daddy love. Our relationship only has room for two people and Evony, YOU’RE OUT OF HERE!

Leaving her was long and painful for Patrick, involving almost a 12-step program to rid her of his life for good. She sure is addictive, that temptress, but with my unwavering support, Patrick is a transformed family man and has yet to relapse. We now spend nights together as a family and do really fun and exciting things. Like watch Netflix movies. Or talk. About politics.

So three months ago—bored and thin again—I was itching for a way out. It didn’t take long before I found myself fully involved with Mr. Real Love, his charming and dark good looks sweeping me off my reluctant-housewife and no-longer-swollen feet. But I couldn’t hide Real Love from Patrick and a few weeks ago he finally threw an ultimatum back at me demanding, “Blog or our family.”

“Okay, I choose family!” I promised since he did sacrifice his relationship with Evony, an online game, for me after all.

So today, as King turns 6 months old, I'm proud to say things between Patrick and me are fairly monogamous. Except for the odd tryst here and there with Real Love so shhhh....


  1. for my relationship, it's "me or starcraft 2".

  2. Seriously, I've had flings with both Evony and Starcraft II. If he couldn't resist Evony, Starcraft II will literally own his nuts. Watch out. . .

  3. Haha! I'm glad to see from the comments that my husband isn't the only one with a Starcraft 2 addiction. His love for it wanes now and then, but if there isn't sc2 there is warcraft3, online poker, or xbox. Cut off the head and five more will grow back, so beware!

    Seriously though, this post reminded me so much of us, sans baby. If we had a baby I would definitely have to give some sort of ultimatum I'm sure. But as it stands gaming will always be in the background of our relationship - from our very first date we established that. He ended up sucking me into gaming as well - before we both became unemployed you could usually find us curled up on the couch playing xbox together after work :).

    Anyway, now that times are stressful I let him stay in his little gaming hole without (much) nagging, and now that NaNo has arrived I have a little writing hole all to myself and he gets a little taste of his own medicine :O).

    Ahh the modern relationship!

  4. Happy 6th to King, please give him a juicy kiss from his admirer :)

  5. Just stumbled across your blog and have to say that I love it! Intrigued by your story and looking forward to reading the next chapters of The Making of King

  6. Hahahaha! I'm sure Mr. Real Love will be hard to let go of :P Blogging can be addictive

    Happy 6th to King :)

  7. way to take my emotions on a roller games are the kiss of death unless you know how to compromise!

  8. oh god i freaking love the picture with king and the beer cup!

  9. Too funny! Mr. Real Love is quite the addicting more than one person, I'm sure ;-)



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