Saturday, January 29, 2011

Dark blue.

“Patrick, I’m going crazy. And I don’t know how to make it stop.”

It’s 3 AM in California as I lie awake in our “spacious” queen-sized bed. I say spacious with a smirk and raised eyebrow because two grown-ups and a 30-lb baby can hardly fit between the sheets without some spare limbs dangling lifelessly off the edges of the bed. I’ve come to accept I shall never be able to experience the absolute luxury that is sprawling freely in one’s own bed so long as I continue succumb to my son’s adamant desire to slumber between his parents’ warmth.

It’s 3 AM and I cannot make the voices inside my head stop. My thoughts vacillate through a maze of the mundane and critical: Why is it so cold in here? Are Patrick and I ever going to get married? When will I make a million dollars? Will King be embarrassed of me one day?

I turn and see King, my life-changing baby, and kiss him gently on the lips no less than ten times before I can pull away from his velvet skin. I still can’t sleep and inform Patrick I’m going crazy. But he’s down for the count and if he heard me, it was in a mess of dreams.

“Patrick, I’m going crazy,” like I told him a month ago. Late December, King had a really bad accident and it was my fault. From guilt, pain, and complete devastation I shut the whole world out and became perpetually lost in my internalized self-torment. I wanted to make everything go away, to make King better, and found every excuse in the universe why I wasn’t happy to blame them all. Because it’s never me, it’s never my problem, because “I’m perfect” as I so often tease Patrick.

I turn and see King and pray he doesn’t turn out like me one day. Just be happy and take things slowly because you will grow up faster than you’ll ever know.

The room is blanketed in dark blue and a light flickers from the nightstand. I can’t sleep I can’t sleep so I open the screen of my laptop and log into my blog. Artemis Clover: The Real L.A. Love Story. Artemis—heh—here we go again.

Keep writing the story.

IMG_2370
King with Grandma.

16 comments:

  1. Hey Artemis, I missed reading your writing :) yes please, keep writing the story.

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  2. I'm glad to see you back. Take it from a mom of four who let a 14 month old (my first born) lock her out of the house...crazy things happen in parenting. We beat ourselves up because we can see that "if I had only done this..." the incident wouldn't have occurred. But life happens. We survive and we press on.

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  3. Your not crazy your just busy....love your writing....and the King is a beauty!

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  4. i love you and am SO glad to wake up to this on a saturday morning!

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  5. Some mistakes have a funny way of becoming the best thing that could ever happen to you. Only hind sight is 20/20 :]

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  6. I am so glad you wrote again. I missed you Artemis.

    Parenting is hard. I make a zillion mistakes every day. Seriously. I am so glad my baby is 11 now. When he was little I don't know how he survived.

    God is protecting him.

    Hopefully he will never have to have therapy, but if he does, well, that won't be the end of the world : ) Trust me Artemis : )

    Love, Becky who DEMANDED a king size bed after 10 months of marriage. How does anyone survive in a Queen size bed?

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  7. So glad you wrote again! Hang in there...God picked you to be King's mommy and he doesn't make mistakes. Snuggle your little guy as much as you can, because he'll grow up and when he's 16 he won't be in your bed anymore & he'll be potty trained too!! Good things to come!! Take care :)

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  8. I'm so happy you're back! Missed you! Hope King is OK from his little accident, and you're doing good too. :) xoxo

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  9. MISSY! I was getting worried there -- so glad to read this post. Life happens but every challenge is an opportunity to learn a valuable lesson.

    -L.K.

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  10. Hey girl! I've missed you! Now bring on King's sweet face :)
    I think as women and mothers we get those kind of nights. Keep kissing him in his sleep. I still do it to my 4 and 2 yr olds.
    P.S. Girl I've been in this queen sized bed for years...years! My hubs is a big rugby player and whenever a little dude is sick, dangnabit I might as well sleep on the floor! LOL

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  11. keep writing -- you truly have a way with words. your blog was what inspired me to write mine :) hang in there! sending good thoughts and well-wishes your way!

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