Thursday, January 6, 2011

Walking underwater.

Your body knows what to do.

After pushing a 7-pound baby out, something in my blood changed seemingly overnight. My veins ran fast and clear, my skin tingling with electrifying intensity as I floated on cloud nine with my new baby King wrapped up in my arms. I felt perpetually drugged—as if I had overdosed on caffeine and other unnamed stimulants—and could whisk, wash, and fold my way around the kitchen and endless loads of laundry. “AND, I could be making dinner with one hand while breastfeeding with the other,” I often bragged to bemused friends. “I am THAT good at being a mom.”

Yep, my body did what it was supposed to do, and my brain knew better than to lag too far behind. Just as my body was running circles around the apartment, my mind raced with fantastic creativity. Blog, book, art, photography, music—I plotted them all and couldn’t wait to wake up each dewy summer morning to polish and refine the ideas I had spinning inside of me. Right after having a baby was a glorious season of everything new, powerful, and magnetic. A glorious season of wonderlust.

And then, just as quickly as I had entered the realm of divine living, I suddenly fell from the sky into the deep and dark end of the pool sometime in October. The fluffy clouds dissolved into molten lava and I could no longer stay standing as the demands of motherhood—of life—consumed me with hopeless tenacity. My words started coming out thinly and crude, the computer keyboard untouched for days on end. I desperately tried to find joy in writing, in my relationship, in my baby…but couldn’t. My “can-do’s” became “cannot’s” and all of my “possible’s” crumbled into an abyss of impossibility. Since then I’ve been walking underwater.

Today I think back to the last time I was truly and blissfully filled with happiness. Patrick, King, and I were already a few days into our Hawaii vacation when we decided to visit the beach for a late-afternoon swim. Because King was a mere 4 months at the time, Patrick and I had to take turns swimming in the ocean and watching King on the shore.

When it was my turn to jump into the turquoise water, I let the cool waves pull me farther and farther away from the glistening sand. I could no longer feel the sharp rocks beneath me when I turned my head to see Patrick and King waving “hello” to their mommy from the dry land a hundred feet away. I felt so free as elation filled my tanned body buoying up and down with the rhythm of sea. So free and joyful as if I were ten years old again with all the childlike promise and hope of a new day.

I want to be back at that place.

cowboy

24 comments:

  1. this is beautiful. you have had such a difficult year with many highs and lower lows. life is a journey and a cycle in many ways -- you will make it through this dark spell.

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  2. Sending encouragement your way...i appreciate your honesty.
    I found this quote on another blog recently,the author was unlisted, but it reads "Today will be joyous for the beauty slamming against my face is unwilling to be ignored." I wrote it down and read it often, it reminds me to look up. Hoping today awards you special, unexpected smiles :)

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  3. Really lovely read, though difficult I'm sure.

    With every caffeine overdrive comes a heavy crash, anyway, but you will pick yourself up again, when able :) Good luck.

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  4. Beautiful picture.

    As I've discovered recently, it's not the place you find yourself that important. It's the moment that you realize you're happy and that life can be just that wonderful. Sometimes it takes retracing your footsteps, finding out what made you tick with that perfect rhythm, to find your sanity again.

    Luckily, it's not impossible. Just takes a bit of effort.

    Take care.

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  5. I know you will get back. Back to that moment. Praying for you friend. Love, Becky

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  6. Missy, be proud of what you've accomplished in life and find joy in the little things. We are all thinking of you and want to see you succeed.

    -L.K.

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  7. That is a gorgeous picture. Just breathtaking.

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  8. You've done so much and you've been through a lot in one year. :) take a break and have some me time. I'm sure you'll get out of it too. Just hang in there

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  9. Yes, I completely understand this post. I'm not quite ready to swim back to shore either. A bit more time floating please. Please.

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  10. Here's praying you find that one big mighty kick that will send you back up to the surface and break through to see delicious sunlight shining down.

    I love that photo of King and Patrick --gorgeous!

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  11. Precious.

    P.S. I'm presenting you with two awards. :) Please take them! http://lovelylittleadventure.blogspot.com/2011/01/awards_11.html

    <3 Ash

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  12. I know what you mean - I think I'm there myself and slowly trying to climb out of this quicksand that's been threatening to engulf me. Wish us both luck that we're back to that place of bliss and contentment again...

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  13. So glad to have founds your blog!

    New follower.

    Check us out at Www.Adventuresofamnmom.Com

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  14. Artemis, I appreciate the honesty of your posts.

    Alex

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  15. Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you.

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  16. Where are you? Miss seeing new pics of King, and reading your great posts!! xoxo

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  17. I hope you are okay, this is my first time commenting but I've been following you for a few months. Just wanted you to know that you are thought of and your blog posts are missed!

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  18. I'm sorry you're feeling down, but thanks for your honesty. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get back to that place (my equivalent of your Hawaii trip), but I always do. I think life is just a constant wave of up and down, up and down, etc. Good luck, I hope you're feeling better.

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  19. What a beautiful, beautiful picture of your son. Wow. I hope you can find that blissful happiness you felt in Hawaii every day!

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