Monday, February 27, 2012

Dragon Baby

Something that has always been assumed and innate in my soul is I would have a large family. Large as in three or more kids—most likely four—and I would be some sort of a prima donna momma hen prancing around the confines of my white-picket fenced house. I actually don’t think I would be too off to say many women measure their personal success on their ability to create and raise the family we’ve all fantasized about as little girls.

I’ve unexpectedly received a lot in the past few years: a man who can’t seem to quit me, a baby toddler who can’t seem to quit breastfeeding, and now—completely out of left field and impulsive—a house in suburbia with more rooms than we formerly city-dwelling folks know what to do with. King actually has his own room here (not that he uses it much), but at least he has the option of having his own room if we can ever get him out of our bed. And we have a separate dining area we have temporarily taped away as a play room where King has tents, blocks, a tricycle with wheels he can’t quite reach yet…all the fixings and toys any boy can hope for.

Moving out of our city apartment.

We’ve come a long way, that Patrick and me, and have somehow shed our post-collegiate clutter and grime for something that mostly meets FDA child safety standards. Yes, it shouldn’t have taken almost two years to get here, but King, Patrick, and I are settling into a comfortable home and routine we can almost raise more kids in. Yep, I’ve said it out loud, MORE kids.

I can hardly believe it myself but we are coming to the point where if we want to pop out #2 (since the floodgates are opened, after all), we ought to get busy real soon. Like NOW soon because of eligibility issues with my health insurance and isn’t some two years the perfect anecdotal spacing between children? AND 2012 is the year of the Dragon according to the Chinese zodiac and having a dragon baby is the crème de la crème of all babies because of the good fortune and power dragons represent in the Asian culture. So much so it seems every corner I turn someone I know is expecting and due this year. Dragon baby fever is running rampant, I tell you.

So when my period didn’t come on time a last month, my mind was worried but my heart fluttered with a morsel of excitement at the prospect of being able to jump on the Dragon Baby bandwagon. It’s not like Patrick and I are taking careful measure to ensure we stay a family of three, but so much has been going we haven’t given much thought to whether or not now is the time to take the plunge into the world of multiple kids. Sure, our feet are already wet but does it mean now is the time to realize my big-family fantasies conjured up in grade school?

I was torn. I did and didn’t want it. I agonized for days wondering if I am truly going back there again. Back to the sore breasts, the big belly, the seesaw of hormonal imbalances… The allure of the Dragon Baby is strong and our biological urge to reproduce ever present so yes, this could be great. King is going to be so happy to have a sibling. Things will be better this time around. I know it.

Patrick advised me to wait another week before taking a test to ensure I really wasn’t getting my period but no, I’m not known for my patience. I snuck in one, two, three pregnancy tests that week and proceeded to take them all in stealth. One, two, three…and they were all negative. A wave of relief flushed over me and I was not sad there wasn’t something else brewing in my belly besides that night’s dinner. I do want another baby, I do want a Dragon Baby, but I also really don’t.

I don’t more than I do and seeing the negative pregnancy tests affirmed what I may have known all along: I don’t want another baby. At least not now. Things are going fine and King is finally getting a wee bit more independent. I enjoy just having him and I enjoy having some peace around here for a change to sort some things out in my life and gather up the pieces from the last couple of years. I want to sort, breathe, clean, organize, be me again and I am not sure a second baby will get me where I want to go and need to be right now.

This morning as I was waking up, Patrick came into our bedroom from working downstairs and made fun of how much King and I snored last night.

“Yeah, you guys were so loud I couldn’t sleep. And I looked over and King was all mushed into you and you were all mushed into him with your arms and legs intertwined. It was like you guys were marinating in each other’s sleepy gushy-ness…” he went on to say.

Gushy-ness. Hmmm, not a real word, I’m sure. But I know what you are saying, Patrick, and I like having King intertwined in my arms. I like that we snore in sync and I like that it is just King and me. You, King, and me.

For now.

Monday, February 20, 2012


...and we're not in Kansas anymore!

Started off the year with a bang in Hawaii with my whole family.

Wow, I can't believe it has been SIX MONTHS since I have posted. Where did the time go??!

King is almost two now and is such a changed boy. A one-time needy feller, he has transformed into a magical man-creature who is more independent than I secretly hope him to be. There is something to be said for kids that are just fine hanging out on their own but it does sting when he no longer pauses from his busy day to give me a hug when my heart spontaneously yearns for one. *sigh*

The biggest change in our lives, however, is we just as spontaneously picked up and moved out of my beloved and fabled Los Angeles! This happened sometime over late fall and not only did we move, we moved clear across the country! Long story--what ever isn't?--and I will try to catch us up in future posts.

My backyard.

We have moved somewhere cold, somewhere completely foreign to me, somewhere I never thought I would end up, and it has been a lot harder to adjust than I could have ever imagined. Sometimes I long for the days of The Real L.A. Love Story when I was a bright-eyed mom spinning stories out of my tiny city apartment in between King's nap breaks.

The seasons keep changing and I don't know how to ever catch up. But this morning, with a cup of coffee in hand, the sun coming through our not-mini blinds, and a breath of relief from the daily grind that is Mommydom, I log into my blog because I don't want to go so fast as to lose control of what really defines the moments in life: The tiny crevices of space in between events big and small, that moment of silence between sleep and wake, when we reflect on and live in our choices in life that has taken us from here to there.
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